Heart Archives - Everything and the Kitchen Sink...

Waking up next to you

On: August 10, 2019

Tagged: 40 something single mom and dating, 40 something single mom and hating the dating, a little bit of everything about my life, broken promises, can heartbreak cause actual heartbreak, constantly alone but dating, crushing my own heart, dating, dating a guy who just isnt into you, Dating as a single mom, Dating in 2010s, Dating in your 40s, Dating Sucks, Digital Relationships, Digital Relationships vs Real Life Relationships, Distant love, family, Finding love, Finding my filling, getting fucked, great sex, Having a Family, Heart, Heartbreak, hes just not that into you, how to destroy love for a person that hurts you, I need attention, I need love, I need time, investing in love, keeping my feelings on a leash, kiss, Lasting Relationships, learning the ropes of dating in your 40s, Learning to love, Lonely nights, Longing for something, love, Love Games, love is difficult when you are planning for the leave, need kisses, needing to be kissed, Neglected, neglectful relationship, Neglectful Relationships, nevering showing up, Playing with my heart, Preparing to be hurt, promises, Protecting my heart, relationship, relationship goals, relationships, relationships that will not progress, sex, sex with a guy who doesnt want you, sex without heart, sex without love, summer of Leo, The Leave, Tragedy of the heart, trying to leash my feelings, Waiting, waiting for you, waiting for your love, waiting to be loved, Why dont you love me, wishing you would love me

The day was emotional, long, full of heart filled conversation. Today was the closest I have ever felt to a happy and healthy family of my own and now I cannot sleep. It was a wonderful night and you are always amazing with my kids. Dinner at the table asContinue Reading

Another night alone…

On: August 7, 2019

In: Personal

Tagged: 40 something single mom and dating, 40 something single mom and hating the dating, a little bit of everything about my life, Abuse, all the funny crazy things that happen when you are a single mom trying to date in your 40s, avoidance, Begin Again, being lied to, Boundaries, can heartbreak cause actual heartbreak, communication, crushing my own heart, dating, dating a guy who just isnt into you, Dating as a single mom, Dating in 2010s, Dating in your 40s, Dating Sucks, Distant love, exs, Finding love, Finding my filling, Games of the heart, great sex, hard to love, hating dating, Hating the dating, having some fun, health, Heart, Heartbreak, hes just not that into you, honesty, how to destroy love for a person that hurts you, lack of communication, Lasting Relationships, learning the ropes of dating in your 40s, Learning to love, Leo, Longing for something, Loss, love, Love Games, love is difficult when you are planning for the leave, Lust, mixed signals, need kisses, needing to be kissed, Neglected, neglectful relationship, Neglectful Relationships, Playing with my heart, Preparing to be hurt, Protecting my heart, redirection, relationship, relationship goals, relationships, Respect, RL, Self-Destruct, Self-Destruct Button, Self-Destruction, sex, sex with a guy who doesnt want you, sex with no orgasm, summer flings, summer of Leo, Talking less equals less relationship, Talking less equals no love, The Leave, Tragedy of the heart

To start I bleached my kitchen completely. Then I bleached the dining room. Then I cleaned the floors by hand with bleach. Then got cleaned up and got in bed ALONE! Am I really so unwanted or unlovable? I refuse to drown my sad lonely feelings in random meaningless sexContinue Reading

Working every day to try and kill off the wife switch

On: August 6, 2019

In: Personal

Tagged: 40 something single mom and dating, 40 something single mom and hating the dating, a little bit of everything about my life, broken promises, can heartbreak cause actual heartbreak, constantly alone but dating, crushing my own heart, dating, dating a guy who just isnt into you, Dating as a single mom, Dating in 2010s, Dating in your 40s, Dating Sucks, Digital Relationships, Digital Relationships vs Real Life Relationships, Distant love, family, Finding love, Finding my filling, getting fucked, great sex, Having a Family, Heart, Heartbreak, hes just not that into you, how to destroy love for a person that hurts you, I need attention, I need love, I need time, investing in love, keeping my feelings on a leash, killing the wife mode, Killing the wife mode switch, kiss, Lasting Relationships, learning the ropes of dating in your 40s, Learning to love, Lonely nights, Longing for something, love, Love Games, love is difficult when you are planning for the leave, need kisses, needing to be kissed, Neglected, neglectful relationship, Neglectful Relationships, nevering showing up, Playing with my heart, Preparing to be hurt, promises, Protecting my heart, relationship, relationship goals, relationships, relationships that will not progress, sex, sex with a guy who doesnt want you, sex without heart, sex without love, summer of Leo, The Leave, the wife switch, Tragedy of the heart, trying to leash my feelings, Waiting, waiting for you, waiting for your love, waiting to be loved, Why dont you love me, wife, wife mode, wife mode does not turn off, wife switch, wishing you would love me

I have been a wife and mother most of my life. I have never had a time when I wasn’t raising kids or taking care of a full household like a wife. This is the first time I am really NOT a wife and it feels virtually impossible to turnContinue Reading

My self-destruct button

On: August 5, 2019

In: Personal

Tagged: 40 something single mom and dating, 40 something single mom and hating the dating, a little bit of everything about my life, Abuse, all the funny crazy things that happen when you are a single mom trying to date in your 40s, avoidance, Begin Again, being lied to, Boundaries, can heartbreak cause actual heartbreak, communication, crushing my own heart, dating, dating a guy who just isnt into you, Dating as a single mom, Dating in 2010s, Dating in your 40s, Dating Sucks, Distant love, exs, Finding love, Finding my filling, Games of the heart, great sex, hard to love, hating dating, Hating the dating, having some fun, health, Heart, Heartbreak, hes just not that into you, honesty, how to destroy love for a person that hurts you, lack of communication, Lasting Relationships, learning the ropes of dating in your 40s, Learning to love, Leo, Longing for something, Loss, love, Love Games, love is difficult when you are planning for the leave, Lust, mixed signals, need kisses, needing to be kissed, Neglected, neglectful relationship, Neglectful Relationships, Playing with my heart, Preparing to be hurt, Protecting my heart, redirection, relationship, relationship goals, relationships, Respect, RL, sex, sex with a guy who doesnt want you, sex with no orgasm, summer flings, summer of Leo, Talking less equals less relationship, Talking less equals no love, The Leave, Tragedy of the heart

Several years ago when I was feeling really bad about myself I met a guy who was really easy to have sex with and nothing else. No relationship, no chatting, nothing more than crazy rough semi-abusive sex and poof he would be gone. I wouldn’t need to do any ofContinue Reading

An early morning note…

On: July 6, 2019

In: Personal

Tagged: 40 something single mom and dating, 40 something single mom and hating the dating, all the funny crazy things that happen when you are a single mom trying to date in your 40s, can heartbreak cause actual heartbreak, Chemistry, communication, crushing my own heart, dating, dating a guy who just isnt into you, Dating as a single mom, Dating in 2010s, Dating in your 40s, Dating Sucks, Distant love, Fear, Finding love, Finding my filling, Games of the heart, grass is greener, grass is greener on the other side, Grass is greener where you water it, grass isn't always greener on the other side, great sex, hard to love, hating dating, Hating the dating, Having a Family, Having Kids, having some fun, Heart, Heartbreak, hes just not that into you, honesty, how to destroy love for a person that hurts you, idea of love, investing in love, kiss, lack of communication, Lasting Relationships, learning the ropes of dating in your 40s, Learning to love, life goals, Longing for something, love is difficult when you are planning for the leave, Lust, mixed signals, need kisses, needing to be kissed, Neglected, neglectful relationship, Neglectful Relationships, Playing with my heart, Preparing to be hurt, Protecting my heart, relationship, relationship goals, relationships, Respect, RL, sex, sex with a guy who doesnt want you, sex with no orgasm, single mode, single mom, single mom dating, single mom trying to date, summer flings, summer of Leo, the mom mode

Woke up with Leo in bed next to me… and wanting to have sex. I am always up for some sex but this morning really felt like a: he needed to finish and not go to work loaded… Whatever, we had sex a little bit and then he finished alone…Continue Reading

Concert night!

On: July 5, 2019

In: Personal

Tagged: 40 something single mom and dating, 40 something single mom and hating the dating, a little bit of everything about my life, all the funny crazy things that happen when you are a single mom trying to date in your 40s, Bucket list, CMAC, communication, concert, dating, dating a guy who just isnt into you, Dating as a single mom, Dating in 2010s, Dating in your 40s, Dating Sucks, Fun, getting out of the house, hating dating, Hating the dating, having some fun, hear you me, Heart, Jimmy eat world, Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me, Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me for my Ma, learning the ropes of dating in your 40s, Learning to love, Leo, Longing for something, ra ra riot, single mom, single mom dating, single mom trying to date, summer flings, summer fun, summer gods tour, summer gods tour 2019, summer of Leo, third eye blind

Third Eye Blind, Jimmy Eat World, and Ra Ra Riot were the artists playing! I was mostly excited to see Jimmy Eat World because the song I dedicate to my Ma is by them. Jimmy Eat World – Hear You Me Well Leo was late arriving at my house butContinue Reading

Heart monitor on and logging…

On: July 1, 2019

In: Personal

Tagged: checking my heart, Heart, heart logging, heart monitor

Today I was sent to get a heart monitor put on. I hate these things but they are supposed to help log the different oddities that happen with a heart while you are wearing it. Over the past month or so I have experienced a significant increase in heart palpitations.Continue Reading

Start of my book…

On: January 12, 2017

In: Personal

Tagged: Abuse, Abusers with no consequences, Andrew and Samanthas Dad, Begin Again, being lied to, Boundaries, Brett, child abuse, Childhood Abuse, Custody Battles, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Family Physical Abuse, Fear, Finding love, Finding my filling, First Loves, Having a Family, Having Kids, Heart, Heartbreak, idea of love, Lies, Longing for something, Loss, Lost Virginity, love, Married Young and Abused, monroe county, Monroe County NYS, My Book, Neglected, Neglectful parenting, NYS, NYS Domestic Violence, OP, Orders of Protection, Parental and Spousal Abuse, Protecting my heart, sex, Spousal Abuse, The Leave, Tragedy of the heart

As part of me starting to move on, become stronger, grow, and let things out to help me forgive I wanted to write my story. In the beginning, there was a man and a women who were together as just a fling. My father loved my mother but my motherContinue Reading