Waking up next to you

The day was emotional, long, full of heart filled conversation.

Today was the closest I have ever felt to a happy and healthy family of my own and now I cannot sleep. It was a wonderful night and you are always amazing with my kids. Dinner at the table as a family, out shopping at Walmart and a night of laughs. Getting into bed next to you and you falling asleep with me in your arms. I need that so much all the time! You are constantly doing things that actually are amazing but hurt my heart so badly because I know from everything you say that you aren’t permanent. I wish that you were! I wish we didn’t ever have to let you go. Why did I let my heart open for you? Why did I allow myself to fall for a guy I knew wasn’t going to stay around!

This morning started out awful. I was angry… I was hurt… All I wanted was you to not put me to bed at night in digital land anymore and when you did last night it hurt me and I am not sure how much more hurt I can handle anymore… I wrote and rewrote a breakup text dozens of times. So conflicted about it all. I don’t want you not in my life but I can’t handle the inconsistency from you. After a long conversation with you we are still together but it is really clear we either love differently (which most people do) OR you don’t actually love me at all. I have no idea what is the reality. I don’t want to look back in another 6 months and see that you were only with me because I was the best option at the time. I want to be the ONLY option. The ONLY choice you see for the future. Then we discussed what the plan was for our night together. Why don’t you stay? I need you to stay more often! I need you to not always be alright with the leave.

Then after a great night and you falling asleep with your arms around me I rolled over to turn the TV off for you and you grabbed me and we had amazing sex. It was spectacular! That is an area we excel at always! After you fell asleep with me in your arms again and I just couldn’t sleep initially. I was wishing I didn’t love you the way that I do! I was wishing there was some way I could get my heart to let you go! Then I fell asleep only to wake back up…

My heart is hurting…

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