Begin Again Archives - Everything and the Kitchen Sink...

Another night alone…

On: August 7, 2019

Tagged: 40 something single mom and dating, 40 something single mom and hating the dating, a little bit of everything about my life, Abuse, all the funny crazy things that happen when you are a single mom trying to date in your 40s, avoidance, Begin Again, being lied to, Boundaries, can heartbreak cause actual heartbreak, communication, crushing my own heart, dating, dating a guy who just isnt into you, Dating as a single mom, Dating in 2010s, Dating in your 40s, Dating Sucks, Distant love, exs, Finding love, Finding my filling, Games of the heart, great sex, hard to love, hating dating, Hating the dating, having some fun, health, Heart, Heartbreak, hes just not that into you, honesty, how to destroy love for a person that hurts you, lack of communication, Lasting Relationships, learning the ropes of dating in your 40s, Learning to love, Leo, Longing for something, Loss, love, Love Games, love is difficult when you are planning for the leave, Lust, mixed signals, need kisses, needing to be kissed, Neglected, neglectful relationship, Neglectful Relationships, Playing with my heart, Preparing to be hurt, Protecting my heart, redirection, relationship, relationship goals, relationships, Respect, RL, Self-Destruct, Self-Destruct Button, Self-Destruction, sex, sex with a guy who doesnt want you, sex with no orgasm, summer flings, summer of Leo, Talking less equals less relationship, Talking less equals no love, The Leave, Tragedy of the heart

To start I bleached my kitchen completely. Then I bleached the dining room. Then I cleaned the floors by hand with bleach. Then got cleaned up and got in bed ALONE! Am I really so unwanted or unlovable? I refuse to drown my sad lonely feelings in random meaningless sexContinue Reading

My self-destruct button

On: August 5, 2019

In: Personal

Tagged: 40 something single mom and dating, 40 something single mom and hating the dating, a little bit of everything about my life, Abuse, all the funny crazy things that happen when you are a single mom trying to date in your 40s, avoidance, Begin Again, being lied to, Boundaries, can heartbreak cause actual heartbreak, communication, crushing my own heart, dating, dating a guy who just isnt into you, Dating as a single mom, Dating in 2010s, Dating in your 40s, Dating Sucks, Distant love, exs, Finding love, Finding my filling, Games of the heart, great sex, hard to love, hating dating, Hating the dating, having some fun, health, Heart, Heartbreak, hes just not that into you, honesty, how to destroy love for a person that hurts you, lack of communication, Lasting Relationships, learning the ropes of dating in your 40s, Learning to love, Leo, Longing for something, Loss, love, Love Games, love is difficult when you are planning for the leave, Lust, mixed signals, need kisses, needing to be kissed, Neglected, neglectful relationship, Neglectful Relationships, Playing with my heart, Preparing to be hurt, Protecting my heart, redirection, relationship, relationship goals, relationships, Respect, RL, sex, sex with a guy who doesnt want you, sex with no orgasm, summer flings, summer of Leo, Talking less equals less relationship, Talking less equals no love, The Leave, Tragedy of the heart

Several years ago when I was feeling really bad about myself I met a guy who was really easy to have sex with and nothing else. No relationship, no chatting, nothing more than crazy rough semi-abusive sex and poof he would be gone. I wouldn’t need to do any ofContinue Reading

The less I talk = the further from the relationship I am

On: August 3, 2019

In: Personal

Tagged: 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, 40 something single mom and dating, 40 something single mom and hating the dating, avoidance, Begin Again, checking my heart, Chemistry, communication, crushing my own heart, dating, dating a guy who just isnt into you, Dating as a single mom, Dating in 2010s, Dating in your 40s, Dating Sucks, Distant love, Finding love, grass is greener on the other side, Grass is greener where you water it, grass isn't always greener on the other side, hard to love, hating dating, Hating the dating, Heartbreak, hes just not that into you, honesty, how to destroy love for a person that hurts you, investing in love, lack of communication, Lasting Relationships, learning the ropes of dating in your 40s, Learning to love, Leo, Longing for something, love is difficult when you are planning for the leave, mixed signals, Neglected, neglectful relationship, Neglectful Relationships, Playing with my heart, Preparing to be hurt, Protecting my heart, relationship, relationship goals, RL, summer flings, summer of Leo, Talking less equals less relationship, Talking less equals no love, The Leave, Trust

I am a very verbal person and I don’t pull any punches about that fact. I need that verbal connection and I need it regularly. I honestly tell everyone that the more I feel unable to communicate with a person the more out of the relationship I will be. LeoContinue Reading

3rd of July ring of fire excitement…

On: July 4, 2019

In: Personal

Tagged: 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, 40 something single mom and dating, 40 something single mom and hating the dating, 4th of July, all the funny crazy things that happen when you are a single mom trying to date in your 40s, Begin Again, can heartbreak cause actual heartbreak, Chemistry, Chrissy, communication, dating a guy who just isnt into you, Dating as a single mom, Dating in 2010s, Dating in your 40s, Dating Sucks, family, Family Fireworks, Family fun, Family night out, Finding love, Finding my filling, Fireworks, Fourth of July, Fun, getting married, getting out of the house, goals, great laughs, great sex, hard to love, hating dating, Hating the dating, Having a Family, having some fun, Heartbreak, hes just not that into you, honesty, how to destroy love for a person that hurts you, investing in love, kiss, kisses, lack of communication, Lasting Relationships, learning the ropes of dating in your 40s, Learning to love, Leo, life goals, Longing for something, love, Love Games, love is difficult when you are planning for the leave, marriage, marriage and family, mixed signals, need kisses, needing to be kissed, Neglected, neglectful relationship, Neglectful Relationships, Playing with my heart, Preparing to be hurt, Protecting my heart, redirection, relationship, relationship goals, Respect, ring of fire, sex, sex with a guy who doesnt want you, sex with no orgasm, single mode, single mom, single mom dating, single mom trying to date, summer flings, summer fun, summer of Leo, talking, The Leave, Trust

It has been a straining several days and I wasn’t looking forward to the awkward drive from my house to the lake 50 minutes away with Leo and the kids. Leo has been avoiding relationship discussions for weeks now and as we are at the 6 month period I feltContinue Reading

Waiting

On: June 18, 2019

In: Personal

Tagged: 40 something single mom and dating, Begin Again, being lied to, broken promises, can heartbreak cause actual heartbreak, constantly alone but dating, crushing my own heart, dating, dating a guy who just isnt into you, Dating in 2010s, Dating in your 40s, Dating Sucks, Distant love, Finding my filling, Games of the heart, hard to love, hating dating, Hating the dating, Heartbreak, hes just not that into you, I need attention, I need love, I need time, investing in love, Leo, Lies, Lonely nights, Longing for something, love, Love Games, love is difficult when you are planning for the leave, mixed signals, need kisses, needing to be kissed, Neglected, neglectful relationship, Neglectful Relationships, nevering showing up, no call, no time for me, Playing with my heart, promises, relationship, relationship goals, summer of Leo, Tragedy of the heart, Waiting, waiting for you, waiting for your love, waiting to be loved, you are nonexistent

I keep waiting for you to show up.Waiting for you to show your love for me.Hoping that how I show up for you will be how you show up for me.Promises that you will call and then no calls received.Promises that you will show up and spend time with meContinue Reading

Alone again

On: June 17, 2019

In: Personal

What good is being in a relationship with someone when I end up alone every night? I feel like I am still seeing Joe! Always something better to do than to spend time with me. Always more important things going on. More priorities that are on the list while IContinue Reading

Bad day with Leo

On: June 15, 2019

In: Personal

Tagged: 40 something single mom and dating, Begin Again, being lied to, broken promises, can heartbreak cause actual heartbreak, constantly alone but dating, crushing my own heart, dating, dating a guy who just isnt into you, Dating in 2010s, Dating in your 40s, Dating Sucks, Distant love, Finding my filling, fucking, fucking a guy, Games of the heart, getting fucked, hard to love, hating dating, Hating the dating, Heartbreak, hes just not that into you, I need attention, I need love, I need time, investing in love, keeping my feelings on a leash, Leo, Lies, Lonely nights, Longing for something, love, Love Games, love is difficult when you are planning for the leave, mixed signals, need kisses, needing to be kissed, Neglected, neglectful relationship, Neglectful Relationships, nevering showing up, no call, no time for me, Playing with my heart, promises, relationship, relationship goals, relationships that will not progress, sex, sex without heart, sex without love, summer of Leo, Tragedy of the heart, trying to leash my feelings, Waiting, waiting for you, waiting for your love, waiting to be loved, Why dont you love me, wishing you would love me, you are nonexistent

Today I left him alone knowing that he had 3 lacrosse games for Elyjah in Canandaigua and then when I heard from him it was very short sounding so I replied in kind. He was very upset and when I dropped by around 9:30pm to give him the Father’s DayContinue Reading

It Began:

On: February 28, 2017

In: Personal

Tagged: Abuse, Abusers with no consequences, Andrew and Samanthas Dad, Begin Again, being lied to, Boundaries, Brett, child abuse, Childhood Abuse, Custody Battles, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Family Physical Abuse, Fear, Finding my filling, Heartbreak, idea of love, Lies, Longing for something, Loss, love, Married Young and Abused, My Book, NYS Domestic Violence, OP, Orders of Protection, Parental and Spousal Abuse, Protecting my heart, Spousal Abuse, The Leave, Tragedy of the heart

The search was on. I have searched for years to find what was missing. What it was I couldn’t figure out. I tried everything one person could ever imagine. I started to really believe that I would never find what was missing in my life. I had kids, married, loved,Continue Reading

Next Part from My Book

On: January 13, 2017

In: Personal

Tagged: Abuse, Abusers with no consequences, Andrew and Samanthas Dad, Begin Again, being lied to, Boundaries, Brett, child abuse, Childhood Abuse, Custody Battles, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Family Physical Abuse, Fear, Finding my filling, Heartbreak, idea of love, Lies, Longing for something, Loss, love, Married Young and Abused, monroe county, Monroe County NYS, My Book, NYS, NYS Domestic Violence, OP, Orders of Protection, Parental and Spousal Abuse, Protecting my heart, Spousal Abuse, The Leave, Tragedy of the heart

I remember when she was about 4 months old and he picked her up and shook her at me telling me that if I didn’t do what he wanted he would hurt her and I almost died. I just continued to be the ever-changing wife to try and make himContinue Reading

Start of my book…

On: January 12, 2017

In: Personal

Tagged: Abuse, Abusers with no consequences, Andrew and Samanthas Dad, Begin Again, being lied to, Boundaries, Brett, child abuse, Childhood Abuse, Custody Battles, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Family Physical Abuse, Fear, Finding love, Finding my filling, First Loves, Having a Family, Having Kids, Heart, Heartbreak, idea of love, Lies, Longing for something, Loss, Lost Virginity, love, Married Young and Abused, monroe county, Monroe County NYS, My Book, Neglected, Neglectful parenting, NYS, NYS Domestic Violence, OP, Orders of Protection, Parental and Spousal Abuse, Protecting my heart, sex, Spousal Abuse, The Leave, Tragedy of the heart

As part of me starting to move on, become stronger, grow, and let things out to help me forgive I wanted to write my story. In the beginning, there was a man and a women who were together as just a fling. My father loved my mother but my motherContinue Reading