I have always thought of myself as a fat girl.  I cannot even tell you how many things I never tried, or even considered an option because I was always thinking I am too fat!

Funny thing is that when I look at photos of myself from when I was 16 and thought I was enormous I looked awesome!  Not fat but not thin…  I looked good and it leads me to wonder why I thought I was so fat then.

Analyzing my life I started to think about why/how I could think so poorly about my own body.  Since I was very young I remember my grandmother, who I called ma, she would always tell me I needed to lose weight.  She would tell me I was pleasantly plump every time I spoke to her or saw her.

She always told me I didn’t eat right but never considered the fact that I raised myself in many ways and didn’t know any different.  She always gave me books on losing weight and eating better.  She would tell me I could be really beautiful if I would lose weight.  I was 16 years old, 130 pounds, 5 ft tall, DDD breasts, and fit into a size 10 pants but my family thought I was obese…

It really messed me up in my own head.  I own my part of it all though…  I had 5 kids and every time I had a pregnancy I gained weight.  Those were the only times I gained weight.  Problem is though I couldn’t ever get any of those pounds off.  I constantly tried and never lost or gained a pound!  It would frustrate me and make me feel awful about myself and my body!

My anxiety about my looks grew and grew!  By the time I was in my late 20’s I felt so ugly in every piece of clothing I wore and I hated my body!  The hate for my body grew and grew until now at 39 years old I am 290 pounds.  I cannot even look at myself in the mirror!  I take photos with the kids and want to crop myself out because I am a whale in my own head!