Several years ago when I was feeling really bad about myself I met a guy who was really easy to have sex with and nothing else. No relationship, no chatting, nothing more than crazy rough semi-abusive sex and poof he would be gone. I wouldn’t need to do any of the cuddle bullshit, or girlfriend stupid crap… He was happy to just get my text with a time to arrive and service my sexual needs.

As time passed I started to see that I was using him and the sex to hurt myself. It was my way of killing emotions inside myself, detaching from myself mentally… When we would have sex it would help me drown out all of my feelings for a short amount of time instead of dealing with any negative, stressful, painful, or even happy feelings. I called him my self-destruct button. When something was really hurting me and I needed it to disappear he was the button I would push via text to relieve myself. I never actually got sexually relieved but the act of physical aggression would trigger something that turned my feelings off completely. Quiet often this would last a few days to a week and by the time my emotions kicked back in whatever was causing such grief in my life would not be so enormous.

Dan was told from almost the very beginning that he was my self-destruct mechanism. I was always honest. He wasn’t more than that ever and when a moment came that he seemed to want more and I did like him a bit I ended things.

I ended things around the time I was also figuring out how unhealthy this self-destruct button was for me long-term. I ended things with Dan and went on a sex fast for 100 days. I started to think of this button as an addiction that was keeping me emotionally and mentally unhealthy by avoidance. Avoid my feelings completely and stay exactly where and how I was OR start feeling things, allowing myself to feel and have regular emotions.

It was an extremely difficult period of time with tons of emotions, no drowning my emotions in sex, and no sex!

Tonight I was, for the first time in almost a full year, feeling like I needed to push this button! Leo is breaking my heart with neglect and I am not sure I can handle it all without pressing the self-destruct button!

To push it or not to push it!

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