I live in Monroe County in NYS.
Am I sure it actually matters where in this country you live? No, I am not. I have spent most of my life in NYS and all of that time I was with one abuser or another.
What I can start with is from my side of the table the laws seem unfair to people who have been abused. I want to clarify what I believe abuse to be: anything demeaning, demoralizing, or violent done mentally, physically, or emotionally to another person you have having ANY type of a relationship with. This can include your spouse, partner, live-in, child, parent, almost any person that you have a regular relationship with.
I turned 40 this year and this will be the first full year of my life that I will experience NO daily abuse. How do I figure that? Well, I have been abused since I was a few months old with physical violence, neglect, verbal battery, torture, mental warfare games, and more. When I moved away from home I married a man who physically abused myself as well as our children together. He verbally abused his family and physically destroyed me. It went as far as me waking up in the middle of the night with him forcing himself into me whether it was anal rape or vaginal rape. It is wrong. After he tried and was almost successful at killing us I met and married another abuser.
Did I see any signs that either was or could possibly be an abuser? Looking back yes I did! Did I ignore them or brush them off for a multitude of different reasons? Absolutely, I did.
“Look at how the person you are dating treats family! This will show you how they will treat you once the LOVEY period wears out.”
My 2nd marriage was full of him cheating, holding sex hostage or any physical contact for that matter, verbally demolishing all of us in the house, and near the end physically putting his hands on my children in abusive ways.
Finally separated from my second husband I decided to make a very bold move and end my relationships with all of my abusive family! This was all so overwhelming and emotionally debilitating at times. I was throwing away ALL of the abuse I had known for 38 years. Part of me was and still is at times very lost without the stability of what abuse brought to my life. Was it awful almost every day? Yes it was more than awful. The last 5 years I thought about hanging myself in the shower almost every day but felt so scared and alone that I never said anything. I knew if I said something to anyone who might be able to help I would risk losing my children and that was worse than the abuse or death.
Now at the point I am writing this we have been in court almost 2 full years fighting over the divorce, custody, financials, and the toiletries.
Onto the nitty gritty of it all:
My ex, John, broke the orders of protection that were in place at the time. Charges were filed, he was arrested, he plead them out… Uhm okay. He made a deal that I agreed with at the time. He would move from NY to Florida for a 3 year period to avoid further legal consequences in NYS because of breaking the order of protection. I can handle him moving… It would be better for everyone if his abuse and abusive family was away from us and we had time to work on healing. Where my greatest frustration, anger, and dumbfoundedness comes in is how he has verbally battered all of the people involved in our case for months and he will never face consequences for it. In the past 5 months alone he has sent semi threatening emails, screaming and swearing voicemails, and abusive phone conversations with the attorney for our children, the clerk for the judge, the visit supervisor, and my attorney. He HAS broken the law with his behavior as well as put fear into people trying to get his way. I finally got up the nerve to ask why won’t he get in trouble for these violations what was explained was horrifying…