Playing God

A while back my therapist told me I needed to stop playing God with my relationships.

I am finally starting to understand this concept and working on it every day with all of my relationships.


When I dated Anthony, who I have known most of my life, his ex gave him an ultimatum. He could either stay with me and never see his kids again or go back to her and be with his kids every day. He wanted to stay and try to fight it out in court. I broke up with him, threw his stuff out of my place, and ripped my heart out of my chest trying to crush my love for him.

We had even found out a few weeks later I was pregnant and it was a crazy miracle but I didn’t care. I was determined that he was not allowed to choose me.

For years and years after I was still struggling to not be in-love with him. When he became single I was married and desperate to make it work although John (my husband at the time) was an abuser. Anthony constantly showed up and wanted me to pick him. I wouldn’t.

16 years later I am finally over loving him but the choice I made for him and I all those years ago drastically changed the trajectory of both our lives.

Let us imagine for a moment what the differences could have possibly been:

Me not playing God could have looked like: Anthony and I would have had a child together. I would have been madly in love with him but screwed it up somehow because I was not ready to really love and be loved back. He would have never hurt me but we would have ended up not being best friends still at this point. We would have ended up apart and not friends anymore. But he would have been a great father to all of my children and the child we would have had. I wouldn’t have been alone during all of the cancer stuff.

Me playing God looked like: John held my hand when I was broken from being pregnant and alone. So broken hearted and not myself I let John basically come into my home and never leave. He was a liar, cheater, abuser, and never good to me or my kids. But I am here now. I am learning what I want, don’t want, seeing signs of things that are not good for me. I am better every day for myself and the kids. Anthony and I are still the best of friends. I talk to him all the time and he is getting married soon.

My thought is that although I am learning to not make choices for other adults whom are capable of making choices for themselves was I wrong? I think where I am now is actually on a great path for the most part and we are all building an amazing life!

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