All the secrets I have been keeping

I have spent 40 some odd years insisting I am moral and honest but in actuality, I have been keeping so many secrets all my life…

Let the purge begin…

* My 1st cousin tried to stick something in me sexually when we were 12.

* When I was 10 thru 12 years old I was using an enormous bear (life-sized) to have orgasms almost every day.

* The only time I ever feel worth anything is when I am spouting off about my academics.

* I cheated on both of my husbands.

  • I cheated on my first husband for months with Dan. I took Dan’s virginity. (Yes my first husband had been cheating on me for almost a year) I lied and have always lied saying that I am NOT a cheater. Have never cheated. Would never cheat! But I am a cheater!
  • I cheated on my second husband. Not physically but emotionally near the end of our marriage, I cheated on him with a guy online. I emotionally cheated for months before he was removed from our place.

* I was a complete liar about multiple different big things over the years:

  • I was on a bipolar swing for many years and during manic me (MM) periods I was spending thousands of dollars that we didn’t have! (Online gaming)
  • I spent thousands and thousands of dollars every month on what my husband demanded and then MM felt so tiny because of the abuse I spent on phone games.
  • I was a big part of the reason we lost our house. I was so consumed with MM spending that I couldn’t mentally pay our family bills.
  • I covered up my financial lies when my ex-husband asked me, but he wouldn’t stop spending so I didn’t stop spending either.

* I emotionally eat and have all my life! I don’t tell anyone but (today for example) I ate 5 hostess cupcakes at once! That is ALL I ate today!

* I cheated on my first husband before he was my husband.

  • It ended up in a pregnancy.

* I had a threesome with my first husband and have always told everyone it was my first boyfriend, but it wasn’t. My first and ONLY threesome was with my first husband and his first cousin! He demanded I have sex with them both.

* My first husband would anally rape me violently while I was asleep. I would cry and be in excruciating pain and trying to get him to stop.

* I have always told everyone a version of what my ex-husband did to the kids and I but I have never been fully honest. I worried that telling everything would get me killed.

  • He was joyful that he almost killed our son. My father took his side.
  • On multiple occasions told me in detail how he was going to kill all of us.
  • I was terrified of him beyond what I had experienced since my childhood with my father.
  • He and his wife regularly were caught watching us and left notes telling me how they were planning to murder me and take my kids.

* My bio-Mom locked me in a room when I was 17 and pregnant with my oldest daughter. I have always told everyone only this but there was more…

  • My bio mom was angry that I wanted to leave so she locked me in a room in her trailer and refused to give me food or anything.
  • My bio mom then left one day to grocery shop and climbed out the window. o It was the only time in my life I hitchhiked.
  • I was scared! I was totally terrified and angry with everything that had happened.

* My bio mom came to be taken care of (she needed a different environment to get off drugs) and then she robbed the grocery store.

  • I have always told everyone that I saw the video of her robbing the store, but I didn’t see the full video! I refused to watch it when they offered to let me watch it. I saw half a second of her in the aisle grabbing the razors off the shelf but refused to watch it any further!
  • I was more humiliated than I have ever been before in my life!

* I haven’t held grudges in my life, but I do still think of several people who tortured me in my life including Alan from 6-8th grade in East Rochester, NY.

* I fell in love with a guy as a young girl and although I can say I am FINALLY no longer in love with him… he is still my safe person to call.

  • Anthony has always been a person I love and so now that he finally married a great person it can be hard at times because I miss him being my pal. It can be hard to share a best friend even though his wife is awesome.  I can say that I am glad they are together and making one another happy.

Enough of the purge for tonight… I am emotionally exhausted!

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