If you have read anything in my blog recently you would know I started several challenges. My challenge #2 is 100 days with no sex of any kind. The more and more I thought about my life I have used sex as a way to trigger a wall inside myself that stops me from feeling emotions.
Because of sexual abuse as a child I think I mentally turned off emotions when sex becomes involved in things. I even have always put things over my face during sex, after sex vomited, become very ill after sex. With all of the physical negative I still emotionally felt relief from overwhelming sadness, stress, anxiety, heart emotional pain.
The past few days a lot of stuff has been going on while prepping for trial, kids growing up and graduating from pre-k, my life changing, and more… Typically when this stuff is going on and these emotions are overwhelming me I would call a friend of mine who has been my sexual release for a longtime now. We are great friends as far as understanding what we need from one another and doing that. He is single and so am I. He has a 13 year old daughter and I have my kids. We have never met one anothers kids but we respect the boundaries that have to be in place to keep them from becoming invested in a person who is most likely not going to be around in 10 years.
As I am feeling these overwhelming feelings all I want to do is text him and make these feelings go away! I want to have sex with him and end my emotional misery! This is what the challenge is going to help me with! I do not NEED someone else to help me with my feelings. I need to start facing these feelings and evaluating them. Get to understand them, work on them, help myself deal with them in a way that is productive, positive, and healthier!
The rest of the day is going to be so difficult for me emotionally. I will not break this no sex for 100 day challenge. I know I can do this! I know I can do this…
I will just keep telling myself: You can do this. You can do this. You can do this. Until I can finally do this without emotional distress!
95 days left!