Very emotional day and I think I figured out why I am having them a lot recently

If you have read anything in my blog recently you would know I started several challenges.  My challenge #2 is 100 days with no sex of any kind.  The more and more I thought about my life I have used sex as a way to trigger a wall inside myself that stops me from feeling emotions.

Because of sexual abuse as a child I think I mentally turned off emotions when sex becomes involved in things.  I even have always put things over my face during sex, after sex vomited, become very ill after sex.  With all of the physical negative I still emotionally felt relief from overwhelming sadness, stress, anxiety, heart emotional pain.

The past few days a lot of stuff has been going on while prepping for trial, kids growing up and graduating from pre-k, my life changing, and more…  Typically when this stuff is going on and these emotions are overwhelming me I would call a friend of mine who has been my sexual release for a longtime now.  We are great friends as far as understanding what we need from one another and doing that.  He is single and so am I.  He has a 13 year old daughter and I have my kids.  We have never met one anothers kids but we respect the boundaries that have to be in place to keep them from becoming invested in a person who is most likely not going to be around in 10 years.

As I am feeling these overwhelming feelings all I want to do is text him and make these feelings go away!  I want to have sex with him and end my emotional misery!  This is what the challenge is going to help me with!  I do not NEED someone else to help me with my feelings.  I need to start facing these feelings and evaluating them.  Get to understand them, work on them, help myself deal with them in a way that is productive, positive, and healthier!

The rest of the day is going to be so difficult for me emotionally.  I will not break this no sex for 100 day challenge.  I know I can do this!  I know I can do this…

I will just keep telling myself:  You can do this.  You can do this.  You can do this.  Until I can finally do this without emotional distress!

95 days left!

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