Inside me

Have you ever had things you didn’t want to say out loud about your feelings? Feelings that are so deeply ingrained in your soul that no matter how much therapy, how much discussion, how much you try to get it out it is still sitting there lingering all over your life?

There are not a lot of things that linger inside of me and have seemed to always linger inside me… One of those things however is the feeling of being unwanted. I make assumptions on where this comes from and why it is so fundamentally a part of who I am. A person could think of how abandoned I felt as a child, how much time I was left in a house alone from the earliest of ages. All of the abuse I experienced also adds into all of my emotional struggles.

I am worried I will never be okay. I have periods of time that I seem alright but deep down I am never really okay. I have tried meds and different things: books, therapy, hypnosis, sex, breaking down, partial hospitalization in the mental health wing, and so much more but I still end up knowing I am so desperately alone. I have even tried reading my bible over and over to find some comfort but nothing helps.

I am forever angry with things in my life that changed the trajectory of my life:

I am full of rage that I am in my 40’s and raising my kids alone! This was not the plan. I had a husband, a home, a life in which I would raise my kids and grow old with him. He ruined that! No matter how hard I tried to make our relationship work he just didn’t think his abusive behavior needed to end. It was me who physically left him but he left us looong before I finally ended the marriage! I didn’t want to do this all alone! I didn’t want to do this alone! I wanted that person to laugh with in 20 years about how when this kid was 4 they did that crazy thing. I wanted someone to snuggle with every night. I wanted someone who wanted us! All of us! Wanted me! Wanted me more than they wanted other things. Not just wanted me for sex, money, whatever but saw me deep down and wanted me still!

I hate that years later I am still hurt and angry over the loss!

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