Emotions are a strange thing when you are in your 40’s. If you are chemically balanced, which I am not, it is still difficult for more females because some many things are starting to change in your body as well as in your mind. For starters your life is half over, on average lifespan calculations, and so that feeling of “What have I done with my life?” starts popping up. Then of course you have the feelings that come from your body changing… in your 40’s you start experiencing the female changes that start because your reproduction capabilities are coming to an end. (WHICH BY THE WAY SUCKS!!! MEN can get people pregnant until the day they die and we are limited to 40 something!) Most women also hate the hitting 40’s factor as well because the society stigma is all about younger women being hotter, more fuckable, better naked bodies, more fun… etc. All of these things cause a lot of emotional, mental, physical distress even for the most healthy people.
I am NOT chemically balanced. I suspect that I never was chemically balanced although for many years I tried to convince others that I was. I even tried extremely hard to convince my therapist that I was chemically balanced. (Yeah, she didn’t buy it either!)
The basic idea here is if you add in everything a balanced female experiences when they are 40 something and you add in a chemical imbalance you are heading towards a possibly horrible situation mentally, emotionally, physically… And there you see my depression that is currently so out of control.
Am I suicidal? I will admit that I have had moments in which I was scaring myself because of how deep the depression was feeling inside my body.
Can I still see the positives in my life? Yes I can see so many positive things. My children are my biggest drive in every day! Days like yesterday however were extremely trying… the realization of what my aging will look like hit me in the face and depression was given the green light to take over my evening.
As I sat in my bed sobbing 2 of my babies were laying asleep in my bed and I could hear them breathing. My mind kept saying: You are just going to get lonelier! Your son is moving out and that is 2 kids away from home. Faster than you realize the last 3 will be excited to be getting an apartment or college dorm! NOOOOOOOOOOO, please don’t let me… and the depression had a complete hold on my mental and emotional state.
And now I shall try and sleep away my mental sickness… Nothing else helps and I am assured to end up completely alone so should anything help with that?