And the divorce keeps going on and on…

So the divorce was rescheduled…

I really love our judge because I know he isn’t fooled by how my ex, John, trying to present himself.  With that said I am emotionally exhausted by this process!  Funny note is that a bunch of people keep telling me to just hold out because I am winning…  Really?!?  Winning???  What and who has or will win anything from a divorce?  My dreams of a family for my children that will be together is dashed!  My children were heartbroken because they wanted an intact family.  Financially it has been a wrecking ball in my life!  We have had many fearful nights during this process.  It is not a situation where anyone wins anything!  Are we healthier and happier now?  So much but it is not a win at all.  There are only different degrees of loss in this situation.  He is definately losing so much more than we are but did still lose a lot.

He was always a verbal abuser but I remember the night he was removed from our house like it just happened today.  The moment he picked our daughter up by her wrists and screamed in her face while shaking her a line had been crossed that nobody could ever repair.  Crazy thing is he could have done almost anything to me!  Almost anything and I would have staying…  I am pretty sure.  I was programmed since birth to accept the abuse!  My children were a different story!  He would never physically harm them and if he tried it would be crossing a line that he would regret.  Strangest thing…  I know from experience that verbal abuse hurts longer and deeper than physical but at the time it was confused in my head.  I should have left the first time he told our baby that she was a piece of shit for touching his glasses!  I didn’t and I think the damage from his yelling at us, name calling at us, ripping us apart verbally with a fierce hatred in his voice and body will stay with my children for as long as they live.  It might not change them in a negative way because I am showing them that life doesn’t look or feel like that.

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