As a follow-up to my post about first loves I figured I would give some nitty gritty about Steve and me.
We met at Tops Friendly Markets in Panorama Plaza, Penfield, NY in the ’90’s. It was really love at first sight for me. I was not his first but he was mine. He drove this little Hyundai and we would end up putting so many miles on that little 4 door car. I would end up peeing on the front passenger seat a few times from laughing way too hard. We would live in that car for a full winter. We made a life with that car! It was a great little bugger.
After several years of dating, I broke up with him. He has started a band with his brother and it involved a lot of pot smoking. I was and still am very anti-drug. I told him I couldn’t be with someone who wanted to do drugs. I honestly thought he would end up choosing me but after several days of him being gone, it set in that his choice was the pot.
Several months later around Christmas of ’95, we connected and my bf at the time and I were on a break. Steve and I ended up going to his place and having sex in his shower, bed, and a few more times. 9 months later my daughter was born! I really wondered for a long time if she was his. My bf at the time, who then he became my husband, was very physically abusive so I was way to scared to say anything about my doubts. It ate away at me for 21 years. It changed some fundamental things about my personality. I never wanted to be around liars, or be asked to lie, or lie about things anymore! This lie always felt bigger than my life. It ate at my soul and heart every day. The choice I was making could be detrimental to everyone or it could be the best thing. But it to this day still crushes me thinking about the what ifs and should haves…
God, I loved him every day for years even while I was married to someone else… Steve was still a HUGE part of my heart…