You are left to suffer?
You are the forgotten?
You are the abused?
You are the lonely?
You are the incomplete?
You have nothing that you believe is real?
You are incapable of seeing yourself how everyone else sees you?
You are only holding on to your breath for those around you?
You have lost the dance randomly joy?
My daughter looked at me the other night while I cried… she wiped my tears and said mom whoever hurt you is a bad person. Don’t listen to anything that someone says about you! You are the best mom! I ripped everyone’s safety and security apart to give them real safety and security but it has never felt safe and secure since! Was he an abuser? So clearly! We are talking about a guy who bullied all of us for years… he was hateful constantly towards all of us! He hurt for sport! It was always about him and what he wanted! He never saw how he was hurting all of us. He only saw that even when he hurt us deeply he still didn’t have what he wanted! To this day he is still that guy! He tried to hurt me, bully me, be cruel and break me on the phone. He hasn’t changed. He lost everything that I value, our family, and he still didn’t learn anything!
But, in a war who really wins?
I have always believed that in war nobody ever wins! There are only varying degrees of loss. We lost our family dreams. I lost the most! I lost the family I thought I could have for a lifetime. I lost faith! I lost the life I had spent 17 years building. I lost the person who always left me alone but still held my hand when we thought our son was going to die. I lost our home, our property, our typical day.
I wish every day that none of this still bothered me… While it no longer bothers me every day I still have moments when it deeply hurts my heart. I am no longer in any abusive situations AND I see oh so clearly the abuse that I experienced… I still see how that abuse made me feel loved and wanted!