As many already know I am all about growth and self analysis although I do also attend regular therapy.  In relationships I am typically the inexperienced person because I have NOT had really any healthy relationships.  All of my past is riddled with a ton of every type of abuse.  There are things I do know to be factual however and I also know how I treat other people.  I have started making a list of the real and true pin point issues with the relationship I am in currently.

  • He is dishonest and I am unsure to what extent…  He lies about the tiny stupid things to people and then I think about the “if he lies to her/him why wouldn’t he lie to you?”
  • He gets upset when I call on other people for help and insists if I need him he will help me but 9x out of 10 he doesn’t do what he says and help me.
  • He runs a cycle of closeness with me…  we spend a few days together doing things, family time, bed time, sex, just having a life…  we both run around during the day getting stuff done and then come back together for family evening and more.  After 2 days or so he will just disappear.  Will he call?  Ehhhh yeah very infrequently but he calls.  Will he text?  Very rarely but yeah he will…  So explain the word disappear then right?!?  As he so lovingly puts things:
    • Our relationship had certain stipulations similar to a contractual agreement and although over the year things have changed within this agreement there are still things that remained true to it all.  Those are the basic fundamental terms within this relationship contract.
      • I want a phone call good night even if we don’t really talk I want that voice connect before bed.  It is important to me that we don’t end our nights in digital land.
      • I need sex or physical intimacy at least 3x a week preferably more.
      • I need exclusivity!!!  NOT negotiable at all!
      • Honest and open communication.
      • Sleep (actual sleep) together a few times a week 2+ unless previously negotiated differently.
    • There were other things that we skim over but they were pretty much a part of our relationship
      • NOTHING is off limits for discussion (NOTHING)
      • Living together was not going to be discussed until at least the 8 month arena of our relationship

With those stipulations stated here clearly I will say:  during these cycles disappearance he won’t call and say good night for some reason.  He won’t talk to me during the day like normal.  He won’t come over, won’t meet me out, won’t do anything that involves this family!

PLUS…  and although this is not part of anything listed above I need to say that I wish he would just change the conversation of our relationship…  This is how it looks:

Babe I have to run home and mow the lawn.  I will talk to you later, I’ll call ya!

Okay talk to you in a bit!



Then whenever he becomes so inclined I get:  Oh I mowed the lawn and decided to go to bed.


I gotta get to work.

Okay have a great day!

I will call you in a little bit and check on ya.

Okay babe be safe at work.



Then when I am sooooo blessed to hear back from him it is:  I ended up stopping at home and went to bed instead of working.

Now I think to myself…  why can’t he say he is tired and going home to bed?  Would it really be such a bad thing to just tell me the truth ahead of time or is the battle about the lie really something he needs?  I mean WHY THE FUCK would I care if he needs to go home and go to bed.  I have never said NO stay here and sleep.  I have been supportive of what he needs when he needs it so what the hell is the lying for?  Why break our relationship MO?  I am just frustrated and tired of this bullshit!

Tonight this is exactly what he did.  He was going to go home and mow the lawn then go to work.  We talked on the phone for a few minutes about stupid stuff and then he was going to shower and work.  I texted him almost 2 hours later because I figured he was at work and asked him if he could stop at the store for me to which he replied:  in bed.  Ummmmm…  So he wasn’t calling me back like he said and he wasn’t going to work like he said!  Well okay fuck me then right?!?

I would never treat him the way he treats me with this crap.

It has become exhausting and I am really seeing how my heart is distancing from him.  I cannot stop that.  Now that I have grown and continue to grow my heart doesn’t want to love someone who doesn’t love me the way I need!  That is sooo hard for me because the old me would definitely fight and fight for him to love me how I need to be loved OR I would just stay and be unhappy!  I am not her anymore.  I actually want to be and stay happy!  I find joy in some of the stress now as well which is really cool!

Will I ever find someone who will love me how I need to be loved?

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