Is my current paranoia real or not?

I have always lived with a certain amount of paranoia from my childhood trauma.  I usually am pretty good about knowing that my paranoia is not real but lately I am just certain that my paranoia is spot on!

Here it is in black and white:
(I will start from this morning and go backwards)

I asked him straight forward why is he offline on Facebook even while we are talking on Facebook.  He replied with he turned it off because he didn’t want people to see him online and didn’t want to see other people online and doing things while not inviting him to be part of any of it.

I call BULLSHIT!

He refuses to discuss Chrissy with me or discuss why he won’t, after over 9 months, allows my family to be part of his sons functions!  It isn’t even something we are allowed to discuss!  I bring it up and he evades, redirects, and gets upset with me.

I call this total lack of commitment to this family!

I wrote this email tonight to send to Leo after the move is finished:

Let’s see:

I apologized today because I know I have been a bit bonkers this month and I am still sorry.

I have however discussed things with Ann and evaluated my feelings this month.  While my reactions were a bit bigger than appropriate, I do however see that they come from a real place.

My feelings about how you are doing shady shit are valid.

  1. You do not want me to meet Chrissy and you have yet to provide a “REAL” reason why after all these months you don’t want me to meet her.  Or her to meet me.
  2. You lie like it is nothing.  You lie to me.  You lie to Chrissy.  You lie a significant amount about the small piddly shit which makes me know that if you lie about the small stuff that you for sure lie to me about the big stuff.
  3. I had no intention of ever bringing up the fact that you are a cheater but if we are being honest you always had said we weren’t sleeping with other people, but YOU WERE!  This feeds into the lies about things!
  4. You lie consistently about Facebook bullshit!
  5. You refuse to discuss the statements I made in my email over the weekend.  They are included here:
    1. We include you in EVERY part of our lives.  Even visitation.  Nothing was off limits!!!  Everything in your life is off limits to us!
    2. Our discussion about how you refuse to even discuss the possibility of you moving in.
    3. How you ALWAYS do this 3 day at the most thing.  You refuse to see the pattern.  You refuse to see that I need to know we are moving forward together but you don’t want the discussion at all!  Instead you say you need to do you things and then you go home and sleep!  Seriously?  Why can’t you just say you want time to go be at your house!  Make things clear and honest!
  6. Why when I make a plate for you and it means so much to me that you come here after work and will eat a dinner, I made for you…  you don’t want the dinner!  I threw away the dinner and cried downstairs on the couch because you keep showing how much you don’t want a life with me.

I am tired of how this all is making me feel!  My love for him is dissipating and he just doesn’t give a fuck!  I am the girl that stops at his work and leaves love notes on his car.  I am the girl that holds him until he falls asleep.  I am the girl that gives him full body massages.  I am the girl that introduced him to the mind blowing blowjob.  I am the girl that always wants to touch him.  I am the girl that is always showing and verbalizing my appreciation for everything he does even the small things!  I am the girl that backs him up, compliments him, smiles every time I see his face, tried to take care of him, gave him a drawer, gave him a key, wanted him every day!

It is just killing me how much I really honest to goodness believe he doesn’t want me back.  I am the: good for right now girl in his life!

Therefore I am looking…  I am prepared to completely walk away with a clean break.  Not invited him to be part of my new place and just end things after the move for good.  Once and for all be done.  Not run from the heartbreak anymore because staying is causing me more pain that leaving will at this point.  I am angry about how much my kids love him and how this will hurt them.  He won’t stay around and be part of them.  He is a leaver!  He is not a committer!

About to be free!

Peace out mother fucker!

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