A letter to myself…
There are things that have never happened in your life that do exist for others. There are moments you should hear about, experience, know, feel…
Yes, it is natural and normal for people to feel lonely. When you are born traditionally love exists around your birth. This was not true for you but not because you weren’t a breathtaking addition to the universe but ONLY because the people around you were incapable of love! This causes a hole in your heart that is never filled by another person because it should have been filled with love for you by your parents!
While you have spent so much of your life loving everyone, even those who have purposely torn you down, you haven’t experienced love like yours. Love like yours DOES, I repeat DOES exist in other people and how they love and reciprocate love! Thing is you need to understand you might never find a person who loves like you love! You might spend all of your life searching, looking, longing only to experience none of the love that you give!
Your heart has been cut, stabbed, poisoned, crushed, stomped… YOUR HEART IS STILL BEATING!!! Your heart is still capable of being loved! Your heart will still heal and break until the day you die! Your heart is resilient you just need to remember to allow it the opportunity to recover and continue to grow into a healthier heart. Those scars you wear on your heart will stay there for all eternity! They are the beauty that is you! Stop running from those scars! The scars on your heart have built you up while you were being torn down. Those scars on your heart have given you the ability to love with more feeling and intensity than most! The scars that you run from have taught you to love fiercely and fully in everything you do! They are just scars they are NOT death, they are not the end of you. Yes the scars hurt but they will continue to heal more with every ounce of love you give out and receive back.
Walk tall… not in stature but in soul, spirit, hope, health, heart, love! Carry your big stick but only use it when you clearly need to protect yourself NOT when you are scared! Your fear has saved you in so many ways all of your life but you have come to use your fear as a crutch to NOT live! Stop loving with fear, stop focusing on the fears, stop letting fear be the driving force of everything else in your heart! Fear is your way of avoiding and not experiencing the things in life that you really need to finally experience. Feel the fear and then get rid of it! You are missing out on love, life, excitement, fun, memories!
You have always done a great job doing for those around you but you need to stop! You need to do for you! Buy yourself a new outfit once a month. Buy yourself lunch. Go for a walk alone! Allow someone to do something for you. You needing someone to do for you will not make you more alone than you already feel! People also need to feel they can do for others. Stop closing yourself off to help! Allow yourself to need people, help, love, time.
You have made such great progress and have experienced so much trauma, jaw dropping heartbreak, loss… You are still standing! You are still breathing! You are still an amazing human being! You are still one of the best hearts ever! You are still as amazing as you were before you were scarred, broken, battered, hurt by life! You need to see that and love yourself at all costs… Loving yourself will flow to everyone that you love!