For those who are unfamiliar with my blog and my story let me short it for you so you completely understand what I will delve into below. I was tortured physically, mentally, and emotionally from the youngest age by my father. This included belts, fold clubs, fists, feet, burning me with hot irons, drowning me in the tub, playing knives with my fingers, and more but I am keeping this short. And I by the time I was 12 I had come to the understanding that my biological mom didn’t want me at all either. I was extremely dependent upon my fathers abuse. It was how I felt loved and wanted.
At 12 years old, the day before Thanksgiving, my father and his wife Robin called me to the living room and explained: She spoke first “You need to much love. You just constantly want me to love you.” Then my father spoke and said because I was so desperately needing love they had decided to send me away to live with my mother. I just needed to much love!
My world, at 12, crumbled around me. They didn’t want me! I needed too much love?! They were sending me away! They were sending me to live with someone who didn’t want me either!!!
I spent that night making a plan. I would down a few bottles of pills and end my life. I wrote a 6 page letter back and front. I sang in the letter, I told them how sorry they were going to be because I was gone. I said everything that I had never said before. I then downed 1 full bottle of extra strength tylenol and a second bottle of advil on Thanksgiving morning. I put myself to bed thinking I wouldn’t ever wake up from it. I was prepared and ready for not living another moment.
When I awoke hours later I was considerably more ill than I had ever expected. Why did I wake up? I was angry that I wasn’t dead. I was ordered to come down for Thanksgiving dinner with all of my siblings, aunts, uncles, and my grandmother (who I always called Ma) and so I went downstairs. I walked into the eat in kitchen area and when asked why I looked sick I said nothing. I wasn’t going to tell my secret I was just going to drop dead at the table and HA the joke would be on them. They wouldn’t be able to hurt me anymore! I was out!
My dad started yelling at me for having stayed in my room all day. The more he yelled the closer I came to blurting out what I had done and then it happened! I was about to vomit and he was screaming… “I took a few bottles of pills and am hoping to die to get away from you!”
I was ordered to my room to “suffer” as he said. He was furious with me! My Ma came to my room and cried at me “Why would you do this? I love you! Why, why? I love you anyway but I just don’t understand what is so bad that you would do this?!?” I told her of the prior days events and all she could say was how much she loved me but was angry with me.
The rest of the night was a blur of awful! My father insisted he was going to let me die in my room. I deserved to rot in what I had done. After what seemed like forever my Ma convinced him to take me to the ER. He drove me there screaming at me how I get what I deserve. I deserved to die! He would have and should have made me stay in my room and suffer.
I will never forget that night! September is suicide awareness month so I thought this would be a great time to talk about my real truth as it relates to suicide. I was there. I made the choice. I was saved and I like to believe it was for a bigger purpose but what I did learn that day was my Ma loved me unconditionally and my father did NOT!