I have been working on this blog a lot this year and find it to be beautiful and full of me! This blog is my ONLY spot that I have felt the freedom to say anything with anonymity and not allow my mental health issues stop me because of fear, anxiety, or judgments from others. With that disclaimer in place this post is going to be mostly an emotional outpouring that might not actually make sense.
Where do I start with this…
Do I start with the fact that I woke up this morning wishing I wasn’t waking up ever?
Do I start with the fact that I am so desperately ALONE even when I am in a room with 100’s of people?
Do I start with the fact that I called my therapist at the butt crack of dawn today because I am not safe with myself right now and am trying to reach out for help?
I am a single, 41 year old, mom of 5 kids. I have been primarily alone since I was born. I had 2 parents who were both significantly abusive, neglectful, disinterested, lying, drug using, bad people. I had 2 husbands who were both extremely abusive in different ways… 1 was physically a beater and the other was emotionally a beater. I gave up all of my dreams and loves because I found a bigger love which was my daughter. I however believe that I am mentally ill… not in a way that you would think OH that girl is going to hurt someone. I am more like WOW she is emotionally broken.
I called my therapist and went in under an emergency appointment. We spoke about a few main topics as I sobbed to the point of needing my inhaler.
Truths are this:
- My 20 year old son is moving on with his life and the trio is over. I never thought he would move out and build a life that wasn’t part of my life but he is. This morning when I woke up to find him back here playing the keyboard it brought back memories of his childhood and broke my heart!
- Leo is NOT a guy who will ever commit! He is commitment phobic! Every time we get moving in the right direction he RUNS away from me and breaks our schedule and routine causing me to feel abandoned and hurt.
- I am growing and changing but those around me are not growing at the same pace as I am. This causes me to emotionally struggle and consider hitting the self destruct button in my life and avoid having painful and BIG feelings.
I am bipolar I think! I have fought this realization for years and year although I always took my meds. I honestly believed that if I just worked on some of my historical struggles from the abuse I would be better but I am working on things and I am NOT better. I still struggle with mania and depression and although my cycles are less now they do still exist. I need bipolar meds and therapy to help me stay on track with my emotional and mental health positive growth path.
Cheers to being bipolar! I do still love me!