This is a crazy heading for my post but the “I was a great wife” statement ties into all that is rattling around in my head tonight.

As I was showering tonight I started thinking about the different relationships I have had in my life with men.  I thought about my father, my 1st and 2nd husband, the few guys I dated, and the men I am trying to raise!  For the first time I felt it in my heart that I was a good wife.

I always went out of my way to show my love and appreciation for him although he was abusive!  I continuously took care of everything even when I was struggling myself with mental health issues.  Every moment we were together I showed up!  I participated!  I always did for ALL of his family.  At any point his family needed something I ran for them no matter what I had going on because family is the MOST important thing to me even if they are abusive!

This brought me to tonight…  I always go out of my way for Leo!  I buy him flowers, bring him surprise lunches at work, send him sweet notes, put little trinkets and love letters on his car for him to find when he leaves work, I always show up when he needs me!  I am a good/great wife/girlfriend!  On top of all of that I always listen, communicate, give all my heart…  I don’t do anything half way!  So then why do I always get the short end of everything?

The past few weeks Leo and I have been getting closer but as I stood in the shower I started thinking about how he has ditched me tonight with no phone call or anything!  Why?!?  As I thought about this all in the shower I saw a pattern and now I am not sure what to think!

I am the fighter in every relationship!  I have experienced loss to the empth degree!  My life has also been full of people who have lost me and regret it but only after it is way to late for me to look back in that direction.  I am a fighter for the people in my life because I don’t want them to force my hand and end up without me!  Is that silly or what?  I am more concerned about them not having me than I am with me not having them.

Bringing me back to Leo…  Every time we seem to be making steps forward he runs.  When I say runs I should explain:  he disappears, breaks his typical MO, doesn’t do the standard things that he normally does in our relationship like tonight not calling at all!  I believe I am the ultimate runner when emotions seem really big but all of our relationship I have been actually running to him!  He has been running from me!  How do I continue a relationship like that any further?  I don’t think I want to be the chaser in the relationship anymore!  I don’t think I want to be the one fighting for relationship growth and progress!  I am starting to feel like I want someone who is fighting for me as much as I fight for them!  Doing for me as much as I do for them!

Is Leo great?  He is!  He is a great guy and I could do worse in a guy I am dating BUT…  there is a huge difference between two people loving one another and a couple being terminally crippled by one person in the relationship who is always going to take 2 steps forwards and 50 back in the same motion.

I am going to sleep on this all and see what I think tomorrow morning after no communication because we were getting closer!

PS – he put some clothes in the drawer and then disappeared for 3 days with barely any communication!  SERIOUSLY?!?!?

 

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