And the Mental Warfare Beast trophy goes to

Drum roll please…

The Mental Warfare Beast trophy goes to my father!  I have in past posts discussed so many different things about my childhood but I wouldn’t be doing history any justice if I didn’t touch on the fact that my father is a mental warfare beast!  He is great and portraying himself as a great man of the people around him but when the door shuts his true self is shown and working towards your destruction!

With that I wanted to really discuss what mental warfare is and why he wins an award for being a beast at it.  What actions he does that make him worthy of an award for shitty wretched and emotionally breaking end results.

Over the years of my life, 41 years to be exact, my father has said somethings that I would NEVER say to another human being.  The hurt me and chip away at my emotional growth and humanity.  Some examples of things he has said to my daughter as well as to myself:

  • You will always be a failure
  • No matter what you do you will never be good enough
  • If you get a breast reduction you will never get a man
  • Even if you are right you are wrong…  I will always be right
  • You are going to be a failure just like your mother
  • You need to find god or you will never have anything
  • Your siblings are so successful and you have accomplished nothing
  • You are a pig
  • You are a slob
  • You will never amount to anything
  • Failure
  • Failure
  • Failure
  • You never take responsibility for your actions

These are just a few of the things I have heard repeatedly over my lifetime from my father.

There are a few more hurtful moments that have always stuck with me and when I am in my sinking depression it is hard for me to not hear his voice saying them in my head…

I built my first computer 33 years ago!  I built my first website around 16 years ago and it had some of the coolest features, at the time.  I received an award from my local county representative on TV about 13 years ago.  I have never been rich but I feel looking back at my tech accomplishments I have been extremely successful!  With all of that noted, check check, my father has never acknowledge any of it!  Did he regularly hire me to fix his tech stuff?  Yepper, at a 1/4 of what it would have cost him elsewhere.  Did he regularly call me for tech support?  Yepper, but refused to thank me or appreciate me in any way!  For years I did ALL of his tech work including his websites, his network setups, his computer repairs, he computer builds, consulted on tech purchases and everything else in his tech need universe.

With that he always reminded me that my siblings were better than me.  He always shared stories of their successes on Facebook, in church, and verbally with everyone he would come into contact with!  Did he ever acknowledge any of my successes?  Nope, nadda, never!  I was always discussed as the failure!

To me what is mental warfare:  It is demoralization, it is terrorist behaviors, it is threats…

From my father I have experienced all of the above and more.  There were many times I disassociated to save myself.

I am still trying to save myself…

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