All the secrets I have been keeping

I have spent 40 some odd years insisting I am moral and honest but in actuality I have been keeping so many secrets all my life…

Let the purge begin…

  • My 1st cousin tried to stick something in me sexually when we were 12.
  • When I was 10 thru 12 years old I was using an enormous bear (life sized) to have orgasms almost every day.
  • The only time I ever feel worth anything is when I am spouting off about my academics.
  • I cheated on both my husbands.
    • Cheated on my first husband for months with Dan.  I took Dan’s virginity.  (Yes my first husband had been cheating on me for almost a year)  I lied and have always lied saying that I am NOT a cheater.  Have never cheater.  Would never cheat!  I am a cheater!
    • I cheated on my second husband.  Not physically but emotionally near the end of our marriage I cheated on him with a guy online.  I emotionally cheated for months before he was removed from our place.
  • I was a complete liar about multiple different big things over the years:
    • I was bipolar swinging a lot for many years and during manic me periods I was spending thousands of dollars that we didn’t have!  (Online gaming)
    • I was a big part of the reason we lost our house.  I was so consumed with manic me spending that I couldn’t mentally pay our family bills.
    • I covered up my financial lies when my ex-husband asked me but I couldn’t get it to stop.
  • I emotionally eat and have all my life!  I don’t tell anyone but (today for example) I ate 5 hostess cupcakes at once!  That is ALL I ate today!
  • I have never kept a job long-term because my anxiety always got the best of me and made me to scared to leave home.
  • I am borderline agoraphobic!
    • Because of my agoraphobia I invite people to my house for dinners instead of leaving my house to see others or attend events!
    • I avoided family events, dinners, graduations, and more because I was to freaked out at the idea of leaving my house!
  • I have had moments of abusive behavior towards others!
    • I have verbally abused my ex-husband.
    • I verbally abuse myself everyday!
    • I verbally abused my oldest daughter at times.
    • I verbally abused my oldest son at times.
  • I cheated on my first husband before he was my husband.
    • It ended up in a pregnancy.
  • I had a threesome with my first husband and have always told everyone it was my first boyfriend but it wasn’t.  My first and ONLY threesome was with my first husband and his first cousin!
  • My bio Mom locked me in a room when I was 17 and pregnant with my oldest daughter.  I have always told everyone only this but there was more…
    • My bio mom was angry that I wanted to leave so she locked me in a room in her trailer and refused to give me food or anything.
    • My bio mom then left one day to grocery shop and climbed out the window.
    • It was the only time in my life I hitch hiked.
    • I was scared!  I was totally terrified and angry with everything that had happened.
  • My bio mom came to be taken care of (she needed a different environment to get off drugs) and then she robbed the grocery store.
    • I have always told everyone that I saw the video of her robbing the store but I didn’t see the full video!  I refused to watch it when they offered to let me watch it.  I saw a half a second of her in the isle grabbing the razors off the shelf but refused to watch it any further!
    • I was more humiliated than I have ever been before in my life!

Enough of the purge for tonight…  I am emotionally exhausted!

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