Today was a long day full of interesting moments. I went in today and met a doctor to evaluate my mental health issues and discuss medications. I was nervous and feeling stressed about what he would say.
For many years my therapist has expressed that she believed I am bipolar and I have continuously argued that I am not.
What is bipolar: (of psychiatric illness) characterized by both manic and depressive episodes, or manic ones only. (Taken from Dictionary.com)
Most of my adult life people have suggested I was bipolar but I refused to believe that this was possibly my chemical reality.
Why did I refuse this was possibly my diagnosis?
- There is a negative connotation that is connected to being bipolar.
- I felt it would take me out of the running to do specific things I always wanted to do with my life and career.
- I am scared of the thought and idea
- If I was really bipolar that would mean I would be on meds the rest of my life!
What is the discussion about people who are bipolar?
- That person is crazy… oh yeah she is bipolar
- Oh they don’t know what they are talking about they are bipolar
- Oh yeah that feeling is only because she is bipolar
Seriously… Leo, the guy I have been dating all year, has even made comments about people he dated and them being bipolar! They are NOT positive comments about them and how they presented themselves emotionally and mentally!
I CANNOT BE BIPOLAR! I am brilliant! I have a high IQ. I am silly. I am funny. I am phenomenal! This cannot be and I won’t believe it…
Then today came and all I wanted was for this doctor to see my life how I have always seen it and excused it!
Am I paranoid? YES I am! and then I throw in: But… I am not paranoid because of a chemical/mental health issue. I have paranoid moments because of the abuse and mental warfare from my childhood. I don’t actually believe my paranoid moments and I know they are not real or valid!
As my appointment wrapped up this morning and the doctor said he thought that I am bipolar I am not sure how I felt about it!