Many people do not know but 18 years ago I gave a child up for adoption.  I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of a separation from my physically abusive ex-husband.  On Easter that year I found out I was pregnant.  Terrified, alone with 2 toddlers, and worried about what was coming I decided the best choice for all of us was adoption.  It seemed easy enough.  I had always been great at compartmentalization and cutting my heart out to save myself from hurting.

I worked for 7 months on planning the adoption, finding an adoption attorney, and deciding on a family.  In my mind this was the biggest decision I was ever going to make because it would dictate the trajectory of this child’s life.  I must have read about 30+ families who were looking to adopt a child.  I evaluated family relationships, marital relationships, other children in the home, location, and personal letters written.  It was a job and pretty difficult.

I decided on an adoptive family for the baby that was coming.

They lived in the same region, they had adopted newborn twins 6 years earlier, they had good family relationships, a relationship with Christ, and they were financially stable.  On the day of her birth, December 25th, Christmas morning.  My water broke at 2 am and it was my other 2 kids first Christmas without their father so I stayed with them until 11:30 am.  We did our Christmas and then I went to the hospital.  I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  Her parents were in the hospital room when I awoke and we named her together.  They kept asking me if they could do anything for me…  give me anything for the blessing I was giving them.

YES, ditch me here and go be with her!  I don’t want her to be alone for even a minute.  I don’t want her to think she isn’t loved.

They acquiesced.

The day we were all leaving the hospital everyone insisted that I had to hold her and meet her or I would regret it.  I fought it…  I didn’t think I could ever let her go if I held her, breathed her in, saw her face, felt her heartbeat near my chest.  I finally agreed and held her in my arms.  I am not sure I have ever felt heartbreak like I felt in that moment!

A week ago I got a message…

She would like to meet us.

She has questions and wants to email me.

I am confused about how I feel.

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