Many people do not know but 18 years ago I gave a child up for adoption. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of a separation from my physically abusive ex-husband. On Easter that year I found out I was pregnant. Terrified, alone with 2 toddlers, and worried about what was coming I decided the best choice for all of us was adoption. It seemed easy enough. I had always been great at compartmentalization and cutting my heart out to save myself from hurting.
I worked for 7 months on planning the adoption, finding an adoption attorney, and deciding on a family. In my mind this was the biggest decision I was ever going to make because it would dictate the trajectory of this child’s life. I must have read about 30+ families who were looking to adopt a child. I evaluated family relationships, marital relationships, other children in the home, location, and personal letters written. It was a job and pretty difficult.
I decided on an adoptive family for the baby that was coming.
They lived in the same region, they had adopted newborn twins 6 years earlier, they had good family relationships, a relationship with Christ, and they were financially stable. On the day of her birth, December 25th, Christmas morning. My water broke at 2 am and it was my other 2 kids first Christmas without their father so I stayed with them until 11:30 am. We did our Christmas and then I went to the hospital. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Her parents were in the hospital room when I awoke and we named her together. They kept asking me if they could do anything for me… give me anything for the blessing I was giving them.
YES, ditch me here and go be with her! I don’t want her to be alone for even a minute. I don’t want her to think she isn’t loved.
The day we were all leaving the hospital everyone insisted that I had to hold her and meet her or I would regret it. I fought it… I didn’t think I could ever let her go if I held her, breathed her in, saw her face, felt her heartbeat near my chest. I finally agreed and held her in my arms. I am not sure I have ever felt heartbreak like I felt in that moment!
A week ago I got a message…
She would like to meet us.
She has questions and wants to email me.
I am confused about how I feel.